Once again, I am in the United States of America, this time in the throws of reverse culture shock.
How can a place feel so familiar and yet so grinding on my senses, almost repulsive at times?
Rather than returning straight home to Nashville, my first week back was spent in the lovely Southwest Harbor, Maine with my family. Clambering up the pine-blanketed mountains of Acadia and chasing fin whales on the Atlantic reminded me of everything I do love about my country; our natural landscapes are breathtaking. I also reveled in my large, savory breakfasts– eggs, sausage, hash browns, biscuits and gravy–a welcome return from the light and often sweet French breakfast. Indeed, the saying goes that the French survive on a café and a cigarette, though a viennoiserie (croissant, pain au chocolat, etc) or jam on toast is sometimes included.
American restaurant culture, however, proved one of my greatest unpleasant shocks. For one, the haste was appalling. “Take your time,” the waiter would repeat with an exaggerated smile, all while scrambling to get us out of there as fast as possible. He would frequent the table every few moments to “check in,” finally leaving the check before everyone had even finished eating.
This, though normal for an American waiter, is a far cry from the French way of doing things. At a French restaurant, you are served your courses one at a time, and the waiter hangs back until called upon. Meals often take several hours. Once the food, wine, and dessert have been consumed, it is common to have a coffee and remain chatting with your company for a good while after. You pay at the counter once the event, including the conversation, is truly finished.
In my opinion, this disparity boils down to two cultural differences and a bit of economics.
First of all, there is the economic influence of the tip. Of course, to my American readers, my description above seems normal behavior for a waiter. After all, how else are they supposed to postulate for the biggest tip, the primary source of their livelihood? Tipping was undoubtedly a huge shock this last week. In France, the standard wages are higher, and the tip is included in the price of the food. Moreover, in Europe, the tax is included in the price tag. Thus, if I buy a 15€ sandwich and a 6€ glass of wine, the check will read exactly 21€. No more, no less. Back in the US, it feels like nothing short of robbery when a $21 meal swells by $7-8 in tips and tax– especially now that 25% tips changed from optional to required on those touch-screen registers at non-restaurant places like cafés and ice cream parlors.
After a year in Europe, this obligatory tipping system as the source of waiter salary seems ludicrous at best. The point of a tip is for the customer to thank an individual for their exceptional service. This function dissolves in the face of our minimum wage. When I explain our culture, my European friends are aghast at both the tip amount and the minimum wage. Why not pay workers more and eliminate the exorbitant expectations on customers after what is already expensive food, returning the tip to an optional signal of gratitude? I’m inclined to agree.
Beyond economics, there are two cultural differences around dining that I would like to elaborate on in this article.
In the United States, especially in the South, the excessive friendliness of the waiter is due not only to tipping culture but also to our concept of “customer service.” We expect service workers such as cashiers, store clerks and employees, taxi drivers, and of course, waiters to greet us with a smile and a friendly conversation. A short, scripted one maybe, but a casual, convivial interaction to say the least. I should know, as I spent several years as a cashier where part of my job description was to engage in a personal chat with every customer.
Zooming out, this is a piece of the larger cultural puzzle of the Southern States, where being polite and outgoing with strangers are core values. Indeed, across the USA, one of our distinguishing traits is our casual, open, and non-hierarchical friendliness. To explain what I mean, people barely adjust their greetings or speech based on age or status, in stark contrast with many cultures. We smile at those we pass in the street. We strike up a conversation with strangers, addressing them by their first names and asking personal questions. In brief, we are polite by being informal. “Making someone feel comfortable” translates to erasing any “differences” and treating them like a friend on equal ground.
In France, the codes of politeness are different. It is obligatory to say “bonjour” to the employees when you enter any establishment or public transport: a shop, a café, an office, a bus, etc (if you have read my introduction post, you know that this is the significance of my blog name). Though you must say hello, there is no need to smile or make conversation. Of course, this depends on the region. I held many pleasant chats with market vendors or shop owners in rural areas. In Paris, however, people are rushed and more closed off.
When I tell you it took months after my initial arrival in France to stop smiling at strangers…Indeed, my Aunt told me she felt horribly rude for not smiling at passersby when we visited Strasbourg together. I also got in trouble once with my host lady when I arrived home without saying “bonjour” because she was on the phone. In my head, it would have been rude to interrupt someone’s phone call to say hello, but she assured me the greeting is always expected, no matter what.
Nevertheless, while there are genuinely rude French people, my experience in France was quite positive when viewed through the correct cultural lens. I believe that most stories we hear in the States of French waiters’ rudeness come from tourists who misunderstand French culture and expect the perky, excessively-smiley American counterpart.
There is another layer to this common miscommunication. My second cultural observation cuts to the very significance of food in our two countries. After writing, I found that I had too much to say on the subject to restrict my thoughts to one article. My conclusions regarding restaurant culture in France and the US will appear in a part two.